Your Sexually Addicted Spouse
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Product Description
Sexual addictions and compulsive sexual behavior are growing societal problems, with as many as three to six percent of the world population affected. Your Sexually Addicted Partner shatters the shame and bring shame on that millions of men and women carry when their partners are sexually addicted. They receive small empathy for their pain, which means they suffer alone, regularly shocked and isolated by the trauma. Barbara Steffens’ groundbreaking new research shows that partners are not codependents but post-traumatic stress victims, while Marsha Means’ personal experience provides insights, strategies, and critical steps to admit, deal with, and heal partners of sexually addicted relationships. Firsthand accounts and tales reveal the impact of this addiction on survivors’ lives. Chapters end with “On a Personal Note” questions and propose new paths that lead from trauma to empowerment, health, and hope. Useful appendices list health and mental health care providers and clergy.
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This book cites the differences between codependency and post-traumatic stress. It clarifies that post-traumatic stress implies seeking safety, while codependency implies seeking control. But it also adds tales that seem sort of overly-dramatic and shocking for a name who’s already experiencing distress. Formerly, the codependency model was used to clarify everything that goes on with the partner of a name who is unfaithful. That meant that the person whose partner cheated was considered to have a sickness. This book proposes a different view. The main highlight of this book for a name seeking quick understanding and insight is a chart that contrasts the codependency model against the post-traumatic stress model.
A plus for this book is the in-depth discussions of people seeking safety, and detailed, lengthy discussions of tools for recovery. That is fantastic if you are uncomplaining enough in your distress to sit and read all that. Ironically, for a book that seems aimed at helping people to go out of the victim role, it seems rather one-sided in that there’s not very much focus on forgiveness for the purpose of healing and moving on. It seems to indirectly blame the sexually addicted spouse, which is understandable agreed the context, but I would pose the questions, “How can a name truly stop being a victim if the issue of carrying around something as toxic as blame is not addressed? Does nonstop blame not undermine empowerment? Does seeking to know the partner not help?”
I might suggest a cross-reference to the work of Dennis Ortman, Ph.D. for concise, well-rounded information.
For work that shows a lot of compassion for sex addicts and persons affected by them but also presents some moralistic, Christianity-based views, I might suggest the work of Douglas Weiss, Ph.D.
Reader’s Rating: 4 / 5
I’ve spent the last year looking for a book for partners of porn/sex addicts, but establish that they were all either completely religious based, or automatically marks partners as codependent. Obviously when writing about this theme you can’t place out religion and codependency because groups like COSA and S-Anon can be fantastic for people who are, but not everyone is. This book has the perfect balance, it covers every point of view necessary but lacking being too forceful about it.
This book is fantastic for people who have had to deal with sexual addiction in their relationship. Before I read this, I had been convinced my “crazy” reactions to my partner’s addiction were caused by codependency. I wasn’t sure I believed it, and after reading this book I’m nearly positive I’m really suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. The book clarifies how nearly all of the signs and symptoms of codependency can also be signs of PTSD, and I agree. I reflect in most cases people who act “crazy” after finding out about their partner’s addiction aren’t codependent, persons “crazy” behaviors are their way of seeking safety, not control. This book compares the two and also goes into a lot of detail about the ways PTSD can affect your health, which I establish appealing and useful.
Another one of the reasons I loved this book was, like others have mentioned, it gave me all the validation I’ve needed for the things I’ve been feeling. Part of the book really brought tears to me eyes because I was feeling like “yes, finally, a name understands!” It makes you feel like you’re not alone, it makes you feel understood, and it makes you feel like you have a right to feel everything you’re feeling. I’ve never gotten any of that from my partner so this book was really everything I’ve been needing to hear.
The only thing I didn’t like about this book was that it can be slightly repetitive at times. Also, there are reasonably a few tales thrown in and I felt like maybe there were too many… but that’s not anything that’s going to make me take a star off this incredible book!
I’d recommend this to anyone who’s dealing with a sexual addiction, whether you’re the partner or the addict. Partners can benefit from the validation, resources, and additional information and I reflect addicts can benefit from being able to really see things from their partner’s perspective, hopefully helping them to be more sensitive and understanding. Be warned though; both partners and addicts, some of the content in here may be triggering at times. Nothing too terrible, it really depends on what you’re triggered by and how easily, but I thought I should mention that.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
This book is a must read for anyone experiencing or effective with sexual treachery. It is a major paradigm shift from the labeling of spouses of sex addicts as “sick” and “co-addicts” and “co-dependents” to understanding that the pain and coping mechanisms triggered by trauma make perfect sense when analyzed from a survivor of “trauma” perspective. The book starts by clearly defining trauma and all its symptoms, then compares them to the different psychological and behavioral consequences of sexual treachery from a trauma perspective. It is perhaps painful to read at times if you have personally suffered from treachery but the tales illustrate how recovery is both possible and essential. The book focuses primarily on the hurt partners and gives detailed descriptions of how to go about the healing process. It gives practical instructions, suggestions, and resources and has that authentic “ring of truth” supported by the personal experiences of the the authors and many others who are on their own unique journey to wholeness as well as the significant research. The last section of the book is filled with letters from both survivors of sexual treachery and persons who have done the betraying. It is refreshing to hear from persons (mostly men, but not exclusively) who have hurt a name they like take responsibility for the hurt they have caused through their actions, prompt their sincere remorse and how they came to know the depth of the pain their spouse was in, and endeavored to “make amends” by trying to bring comfort, compassion, respect, and hope where before there was only abject destruction and desolation. I hope this book will be in the vanguard of a new, empowering, positive approach to healing for persons hurt by sexual treachery.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
Addictions aren’t permanently to drugs, but they are devastating all the same. “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal” discusses sexual addictions – in the matter of pornography, use and abuse, among additional issues – from the perspective of the spouse, who may or may not be a victim in the matter. With much support and help, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” may be the inspiration many need to go on with their lives after the pain.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
Thirty years I’ve lived with a sex addict. I’ve read most of the books out there on sex addiction. This is the first one that hit the nail on the head. This book helps, maybe even heals if that is possible. I didn’t feel pain when reading this book like I did with all the additional books on this theme. I felt heard and understood. Additional books place part of the blame on the partner. Adage we enable our addict to act out by being co-addicts. I could never accept that thought. This book tells it like I see it. We are recovering from a trauma. We behave like a name who has been through a trauma.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5