The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love
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Product Description
DO YOU CONFUSE BEING NEEDED WITH BEING LOVED?
DO YOU RELATE TO OTHERS BY TAKING CARE OF THEM?
ARE THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU UNABLE TO STAND ON THEIR OWN TWO FEET?
Co-dependency–of which enabling is a major dynamic–can and does exist in families where there is no active compound dependency. Leader Angelyn Miller’s own experience is a dramatic example: the essential “super-mom”, neither Miller nor her spouse drank. Yet in spite of her best efforts, she establish her family tree disintegrating. The more she tried to help, the worse things got, until she learned that “helping” was the problem.
Using her own family tree as an example, Miller tells how she came to the painful realization that she was an enabler. The enabler protects others from the consequences of their actions. By permanently taking responsibility for persons around them, enablers hurt the very people they like the most.
Gradually, she learned to alter her behavior and broke the cycle of co-dependence. In this book she offers insights, techniques, and hope, showing how enabling relationships can be transformed into healthy ones.
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One sentence in particular jumped out at me as I opened the book. It was very helpful to me.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
Have not ongoing reading yet, but I have no complaints of manner of language or condition of book.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
This book provides an attitude changing experience. The adult who reads this book and takes its message to heart will live a more peaceful life and allow their children (or additional dependent person) to grow and live their own lives.
For example, as parents we want to help our children. It is the natural thing to do. When they are tiny our help is necessary and excellent. As the children grow, but, they should do more and more for themselves and we parents should do less and less. Eventually, when the child reaches adulthood, we parents should back off and let them do everything for themselves. Otherwise, they continue to be dependent and we become enablers robbing our children of the critical experiences of learning to solve one’s own problems and face one’s own dilemmas. A child (or anyone else) will usually take the path of least resistance. So, if we solve their problems for them, we are enabling them to take the simple path. It is the incorrect path and we are doing them a disservice by being nice and building their lives simple and sheltered. In fact, we become part of the problem. The rule of thumb is never do anything for a person that they can do for themselves even if it is hard for both them and us.
Reader’s Rating: 4 / 5
This book is an simple read and gives sage advice. Hard to follow, but excellent advice. Was simple to admit the patterns of an “enabler”–excellent simple examples included.
Reader’s Rating: 4 / 5
Though this book does not really mention 12 step meeting, it should. This is very excellent for any enabler or codependent person. Appealing and simple to read and to apply to ones own life and actions.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5