Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex: How Changing Your Everyday Habits Will Make You Hot for Each Other All Over Again
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- ISBN13: 9780757315312
- Condition: New
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Product Description
Honey, Baby, Sweetums, Pookie . . . Who knew persons sweet, androgynous pet names are the first step toward a nonexistent sex life? And all persons ‘personal grooming’ activities you used to hide . . . Judge it or not, sharing them with your partner puts you on the quick track toward killing a healthy sexual relationship.
Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex is a smart, sassy, and honest guide for women of all ages, and looks at the root causes of sexual boredom in a revolutionary way. Authors Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis have learned that it’s the everyday things we say and do that sabotage sexual chemistry. They dare to pull back the sheets to examine the devious yet powerful ways we’re dulling our desire for our partners, while giving simple and practical solutions to revive the fire in our relationships.
This non-therapy-speak guide clarifies why date nights and sex in different locations are only Band-Aid solutions: The truth is, if you don’t feel like having sex anymore, forcing yourselves to do it on the kitchen table is not going to fix the problem! In Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex, you’ll also learn:
- Why arguing is an vital factor in bringing couples closer together
- Why it is critical to maintain a sense of individuality
- How sexuality doesn’t hinge on having the perfect body but rather on how a woman feels about herself and how she projects persons feelings to her partner
If your sex life reads more like a service manual than a romance novel, stop calling him ‘honey’ and start rekindling the flame of desire!
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Perhaps it’s a character flaw, but, normally, I would have ignored a book entitled: Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex: How Changing Your Everyday Habits Will Make You Hot for Each Additional All Over Again.
Written by a journalist and a ballerina, its title smacked of frivolity; it was missing in serious purpose. Besides, it explicitly addressed women, ergo…
I would have been incorrect to snub the book. Much of it is positively brilliant.
I ordered it because Dr. Helen Smith recommended it on her blog. She was intrigued by the book’s concept and she made it sound intriguing to me. Better yet, when I read her post I thought that it was my kind of book. Link here.
The book’s concept lies in its title. It is counterintuitive, to say the least. It does not make a lot of sense. As a rule, this is a excellent sign tht the book contains more than a few kernels of truth.
Better than that, following the advice in the book is free. So, you nearly need a very excellent reason not to try it.
The book seems frivolous, even gimmicky, and besides, it was not written by accredited professionals.
As it happens, the best treatment program for addiction was not made by accredited professionals but by a couple of drunks whose sole criterion for success was whether or not it helped keep them off of alcohol.
I do not mean to disparage professionals, but we err if we snub the opinions of lay people who are trying to find something that works.
The book has a limited scope, so let’s limit our discussion to the point instance it addresses: a once lusty marriage has lost that loving feeling.
The question is simple and direct. Others have addressed it in more pompous tones. In fact, there are industries dedicated to helping married couples bring back that loving feeling.
Our culture has industries devoted to helping you to recover your lust for your spouse. Regularly the solutions they prescribe are costly.
Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis have a solution that will cost you nothing. Therefore, just as AA threatened the psychiatric profession– at least until it invented rehab– this new approach to desire is likely to provoke a negative and dismissive result.
What does the culture advise? First, champagne, a bed of rose petals, chocolates, scented candles, lingerie, weekends in the Poconos… I could continue, but you get the picture.
Nothing is really incorrect with this, though if you have a child or two or three running around the house, it is not likely that you will be able to turn your bedroom into a boudoir.
Beyond that, the approach lacks subtlety. If a man comes home from work and finds a scene that screams sensuality, he might find himself slightly place off by the obviousness of it all.
Be that as it may, if this approach works, fantastic.
Some advisers go to the additional extreme and counsel spontaneity. They want you to have sex whenever and wherever the spirit moves you. They want you to be so filled with desire that you cannot even wait the two minutes it will take to retire to the bedroom.
So, they prescribe sex, right here, right now, on the kitchen counter, in a deserted baseball meadow, under the boardwalk, or in an airplane restroom.
As I say, if it works for you, fantastic.
Psychotherapists have also worked at helping couples recover their lost desire. Freud started it, and he was the most pessimistic about it. Since he posited that we can only desire what is forbidden, he thought that marriage, where sex is not only not forbidden, but is prescribed, was the graveyard of desire.
Human experience would tend to contradict this theory, but Freud would have been undeterred. He would simply have told you to figure out how you can make your spouse a forbidden object of lust.
Later therapists have assumed that couples could improve their sex lives by practicing free and open communication, by breaking down of barriers between spouses.
In theory, it sounds excellent. In practice, it does not look reasonably so excellent.
Arana and Davis do not much concern themselves with theories. They try to examine the way these are translated into behaviors, as in: spouses watching each additional perform intimate bathroom functions. Doesn’t that meet the supplies of free and open communication, not keeping any secrets from each additional, not hiding anything.
The leader consider this to be a terrible habit. If you want to bring back that loving feeling, they advise you to: “close the bathroom door.” Intimacy has its limits; each person must have a zone of privacy, even secrets. You cannot feel sexual desire for a name after you have been watching them go their bowels.
It’s possible to be too close, and if you are too close, you will want each additional less.
The crux of the book, its central concept, the one that I am inclined to call brilliant, lies in the title. The authors declare that you should stop using terms of endearment and go back to calling your spouse by his or her proper name.
Arana and Davis do not recommend soulful conversations. They do not seem to judge that empathy is going to revive your lust. Their prescription: change one tiny, but critically vital, habit.
Now, if you have spent too much time using terms of endearment, it may well be that calling people by their proper names might feel weird, even threatening. But it is still a fantastic thought. That just means that you might have to work at it. Arana and Davis insist that the rewards are worth the pain.
Among the more common terms of endearment are: honey, sweetie, darling, dear, pumpkin, snookums, pookie, baby, and so on.
In French, commonly considered the language of like, the most common term of endearment is: mon chou. Which means: my cabbage.
When it comes to romance, you have to hand it to the French.
But why would proper names be so vital, and why should this seemingly innocuous verbal action carry such an erotic charge.
As opposed to terms of endearment, proper names are not gender neutral. At the least, they make each spouse feel recognizable as man or woman. Two neutered organisms are not very likely to feel lust for each additional.
Proper names are more personal and unique than terms of endearment. As one of the commenters on Dr. Helen’s site mentioned, when you call a name “honey” this protects you from exclaiming the incorrect name at the incorrect time.
But much a spouse will be appalled by your use of the incorrect name– which is something we all know– wouldn’t the same spouse be tickled to be called by their own name?
Now, Jack and Jill are people. Honey is a condiment. Do you really want to make like to a condiment? If you are concerned about the man who mistook his wife for a hat, wouldn’t you be just a small apprehensive about the wife who mistook her spouse for a condiment? How do you reflect he feels about it?
In fact, using proper names is fantastic advice in many additional situations, especially if you want to erect your friendships and mange your relationships.
It is common knowledge among people who work in sales and customer relations that you should permanently take up your clients by their names– first or last, depending on THEIR stated inclination.
Whether you are addressing her as Jill or Ms. Jones, you will find that if you use names in talking to people your interactions will be smoothed out. People will be more pleased to talk with you, to work with you, and to be friends with you, if you respect them enough to call them by their names.
And if you do not respect additional people, I promise you that they will not respect you, and that you will end up not respecting yourself.
If you do not use names, people will assume that they are not very vital. Otherwise how could you have forgotten their names.
Meantime, as I was reading this book, I ongoing thinking about one of the most puzzling aspects of the hookup culture: the anonymity of initial hookup.
Of course, if you do not know the additional person’s name, you also do not really know who they are, they do not know who you are, and neither of you knows who is doing what to whom?
I know that it’s controversial, but random, anonymous sexual encounters, no matter how delightful, will permanently feel to some extent empty… because you cannot know who is doing what to whom.
Really, I was reminded of a passage from Tom Wolfe’s book: Hooking Up, published ten years ago.
Recalling that American teenagers regularly resort to baseball terminology to talk about their sexual exploits, Wolfe mentions that first base used to mean kissing and that home run was “conception-based intercourse.”
Next, Wolfe describes the way the metaphor has changed to accommodate the hookup culture: “… in the era of hooking-up, ‘first base’ meant deep kissing…, tentative, and fondling; ’second base’ meant oral sex; ‘third base’ meant going all the way; and ‘home plate’ meant learning each additional’s names.”
You name identifies you. It says who you are. It is all that stands between you and anonymity, that is, between you and social nothingness.
One should never underestimate how much people are motivated by the thought of having and keeping a excellent name. And one should never underestimate the fact that if they will sometimes prefer infamy over anonymity.
Names are special for another reason. They are the only parts of language that are not translated. Whether they are the names of people or places, they remain the same across linguistic barriers.
Hong is Hong Kong in Hong Kong. And it is called Hong Kong in New York and London, even if the right translation of the Chinese terms would render it: fragrant harbor.
When a name calls you by your name, it touches you in a way that honey, sweetie, biscuit, and toodle-puss do not. And if you want to bring back that loving feeling, to reach out and touch your spouse, first try the touching gesture of calling him or her by his or her proper name.
One final note. The topic of proper naming has largely been neglected by psychology. Philosophers have done a better job of framing and issues surrounding the functioning of proper names in language and in life.
Opinions on the role of proper names are clearly divided, and very, very appealing. Sorry to say, the debate is very hard to follow. Take that as a warning, but, for what it’s worth, my favorite philosophical book on the topic is Saul Kripke’s: Naming and Necessity.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
Book arrived when it was suppose to. The book itself is shallow and gives small help or
information. I would not order this book again or pass it on to anyone.
Reader’s Rating: 2 / 5
In all the many years that I have bought countless books and videos from Amazon, I have NEVER been inspired to comment on anything – until now! This book gets to the heart of intimate relationships in a way that average people can easily know and appreciate! One doesn’t need to be a scholar to digest the real and useful advice that these brilliant authors provide. Moreover, the advice is practical, logical and do-able! Although the divorce rate is nearly 70% nationwide, few take up the unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in many of the additional “together” relationships, married or not, that go on day after day, year after year devoid of real passion. In a relationship, as these brilliant authors point out, freedom and space are essential to a passionate relationship. Maybe the late, fantastic Rodney Dangerfield was right when he said, “My wife and I take separate vacations; he eat our meals apart. We sleep in separate bedrooms. We’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together!” Keep your marriage or additional long term relationship together by getting this wonderful book! Your relationship and your partner will thank you!!
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
This is a fantastic book. There are many truths that have made me stop and question my own actions. “Stop Calling Him Honey” has already affected my relationship with my boyfriend for the better. I recommend this book to all women who need help with improving their sex life.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
This book is a veritable bible for jump starting tired relationships and adding a spark to excellent ones. The authors write in a style that has a “friends chatting over a glass of wine” feel. It’s incredible how many topics are covered that alot of us make a habit and that can really affect relationships. I contains lots of sound and witty advice and observations that I’ve have establish very helpful already. This book was long overdue. It’s is a fun and fantastic read!
P.S. I had to wait a bit to read it because my spouse got to it first and couldn’t place it down.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5