Love and War: Finding the Marriage You’ve Dreamed Of

5 Responses to “Love and War: Finding the Marriage You’ve Dreamed Of”

1. Unique says:

   October 13, 2010 at 12:05 pm

   As with additional books by the Eldredge’s, this book relies heavily on well loved culture, taking scripture out of context and their own life experiences as it feeds upon stereotypes and prejudices against the genders. The authors attempt to force their readers into their respective box (male or female) and insists that marriage is “fabulously hard” due to the extreme differences between men and women. I have establish my own marriage to NOT be fabulously hard as I keep and open mind and allow my spouse as well as myself to be an individual free of the bring shame on and condemnation of failing to be the woman or man the Eldredge’s insist we are supposed to be.

   But, this book was not as terrible as I had feared it would be. It contains some reasonable advice including an emphasis on open communication, companionship and not looking to your spouse for fulfillment and healing. It also has a section on building decisions by relying on God rather than the forced hierarchy which places the spouse as a dictator over his wife as is so prominent in the church today.

   Over all, the book does not over the insight or life changing contents it promised, but it also does not contain as much damaging and stigmatizing contents as their previous works.
   
   Reader’s Rating: 3 / 5
2. David Reveley says:

   October 13, 2010 at 2:27 pm

   When I listen to people who are alot farther down the road (e.g., more veteran) than I am in categories like parenting, work, marriage, etc., I notice the advice they give is simple, straightforward and authentic. Part of their authentic understanding about the journey of marriage is a strong belief in powerful evil forces (e.g., demons) that really attack individual psyches and conscious and sub-conscious thinking, in an attempt to ruin human lives and marriages, in particular (this is the War part of Like & War). Even though I am have been a Christ-follower since 1983, attended a conservative evangelical seminary, been a missionary in SE Asia, etc…I no longer share this belief in Satan, demons, etc. In fact, I no longer judge these are real entities (ontological beings) at all. Regardless, I am a fan of John Eldredge and this book – I so appreciate the transparancy and authenticity that this loving couple shares with us. Take out the mumbo-giant voodoo demon-stuff…and I would give this a 5 star rating!
   Reader’s Rating: 3 / 5
3. Cafe Lily says:

   October 13, 2010 at 3:14 pm

   I was not able to end reading all the way through this book before the review was due, but what I did read seemed pretty insightful and useful for couples wanting to improve their marriage.

   Book Synopsis:

   What the Eldredge bestsellers Wild at Heart did for men, and Captivating did for women, LOVE & WAR will do for married couples everywhere. John and Stasi Eldredge have contributed the quintessential works on Christian spirituality through the experience of men and the experience of women and now they turn their focus to the incredible dynamic between persons two forces.

   With refreshing openness that will grab readers from the first page, the Eldredges candidly chat about their own marriage and the insights they’ve gained from the challenges they faced. Each talks independently to the reader about what they’ve learned, giving their guidance personal immediacy and a balance between the male and female perspectives that has been absent from all previous books on this topic. They start LOVE & WAR with an obvious but necessary acknowledgement: Marriage is fabulously hard. They advise that the sooner we get the bring shame on and confusion off our backs, the sooner we’ll find our way through.

   LOVE & WAR shows couples how to fight for their like and happiness, calling men and women to step into the fantastic adventure God has waiting for them together. Walking alongside John and Stasi Eldredge, every couple can learn how their individual journeys are growing into a tale of meaning much greater than anything they could do or be on their own.
   Reader’s Rating: 3 / 5
4. Delois L. Palmer says:

   October 13, 2010 at 5:33 pm

   Have not completely finished reading the book yet, but so far I judge it is a need read for all husbands and wives.
   Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
5. G. Snyder says:

   October 13, 2010 at 8:03 pm

   Although there was a lot of excellent advice for marriages in this book, there were several shortcomings that made this book not worth reading.

   First, the authors overwhelming negativity about marriage was exhausting. For example, at one point they compare the exchanging of wedding vows to the special forces “vowing their lives to one another as they embark on a perilous mission in dark lands, the outcome of which remains reasonably uncertain.” Not only do they say THEY feel this way about marriage, they state that “if you cannot admit the disappointment of your marriage, you have made an idol out of it” (p. 67). The accusation that I am sinning because I am not disappointed with my marriage was reasonably insulting; it made me want to place the book down and not pick it back up. But, if you choose not to get married or have children, they say, you are “fundamentally selfish.” Rumor has it that the only reason a person can have for not marrying or not having children is “they have figured out life is simpler when fewer people depend on you” (p. 197).

   Second, the authors frequently resort to gender stereotypes that are unhelpful and belittling. They paint a picture of men who are unable to communicate, frightened of intimacy, like to watch Man vs. Wild, smokes cigars, climbs mountains, and likes bow hunting. Women, on the additional hand, must like bubble baths, get pedicures, like scented candles, watch cake decorating shows, pine for excellent conversation, and be an emotional basket case that frightens men. Although the authors may not realize it, not every person fits their mold; not every man behaves exactly like John and not every woman exactly like Stasi. In fact, relying on stereotypes may really exacerbate people’s problems in marriage by encouraging them not to try (if men and women are really completely different creatures, why even bother trying to communicate and know the additional?).

   Additionally, the book was honestly poorly edited and repetitive. The authors regularly repeated large swaths of Wild at Heart and Captivating, regularly lacking really explaining how it was significant to the theme matter at hand. And, the authors frequently repeated themselves; for example, the authors repeated their comparison of marriage to locking Huck Finn and Cinderella in a submarine at least three times throughout the book, described marriage as “mythic” and talked about “fairy tales” more times than I care to count. All-in-all, there were several chapters I had distress finishing because of the poor writing.

   It pains me to dislike the book as much as I do, because there is really a lot of excellent advice in it. For example, they clarify how people’s brokenness contributes to problems with their spouse, and they encourage people to embrace the resulting conflict as a way of seeking transformation. Additionally, their discussion of the need for both spouses to seek fulfillment in Christ, rather than each additional, was commendable. Also, they advise couples to have a shared mission in their marriage, which is sound advice. Much of their advice even supports gender equality; they advise a process of mutual choice-building and encourage couples to exercise power together in matters of spiritual warfare. But, there has to be a better way of delivering the advice than to mix it with all the above negatives.

   Reader’s Rating: 2 / 5