Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship
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- ISBN13: 9780825306297
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Product Description
Intimacy & Desire gives couples simple but effective exercises that will help them reconnect with each additional sexually and take their sexuality to places they never imagined.
Many couples start marital counseling with Dr. David Schnarch with their sex lives in shambles, wondering what’s incorrect with them, considering divorce. One partner will complain that the additional doesn’t desire him, the additional complains that she’s married to a sex maniac. During his 30 years in practice as a marriage and family tree therapist, Dr. Schnarch has learned that sexual desire problems are normal and even healthy, in committed relationships. In Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship, Dr. Schnarch clarifies why couples in long term relationships have sexual desire problems, regardless of how much they like each additional or how well they communicate.
Through case studies of couples he worked with, Dr. Schnarch shows why normal marital conflict can be the cause of desire problems and makes a road map for how couples can transform marital conflict into a stronger relationship and a font of new and powerful desire for each additional.
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I had the pleasure of hearing this quote from Dr. Schnarch as he open his work from this book at a psychiatric help talks. I have permanently respected and loved his findings, research and teaching. This book does the an even better job than the rest of his past books describing differentiation. I use his work with all of my couples and find it to be most helpful in effective with lesbian couples. I highly recommend this book for therapists effective with couples and for the couples struggling to find their way back to each additional.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
I was knocked out by the smart and sensible perspectives offered in these pages. I’ve been partnered for 10 years now and we’ve both had brilliant individual and couples counseling along the way from before we met and since (we’re in late middle age). And still … I’ve been bitter and have felt helpless and compromised for the past few years about our sex life together and the ever-dwindling level of intimacy between us. UNTIL I READ THIS BOOK. Wow. We’ve got a real chance now of changing lifelong patterns that have hurt us throughout our lives and in relationship with each additional and a excellent shot at the “resilient collaborative alliance” (and better sex!) we’ve both longed for. It’ll take courage and effort but this book gave me the hope I’ve been desperate for. Whether or not we stay together (and I hope we do) chances are excellent that I’ll have benefited substantially because of having read it.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
I hesitate to be the first reviewer to not provide a glowing report, but while I’m sure this book will help some couples with the distress arising from their mismatched libidos, I have concerns about it. In the same way that Dr Schnarch reasonably criticises the “just do it approach” as being inappropriate for many couples, for me, similar problems arise with this book.
My major concerns are with his black and white assertions, such as “my approach will help you get it right” (no treatment program helps everyone); “if you like each additional and stay together you can count on sexual problems” (no, research tells us that a fantastic many couples are content with their sex lives even if they meet the criteria for a sexual dysfunction), “there is permanently a low desire partner” (no, many couples are well matched), and the one that concerns me the most, “the low desire partner permanently controls sex” which “operates in every single relationship”. This, in my view, reveals a rather limited understanding of the many different dynamics that can lead to differences in sexual desire.
“Control” is an emotive word with negative connotations which implies that the privileged libido partner is completely at the mercy of the lower drive partner. It is just as valid to say that the partner who controls what happens during sex is regularly the cause of the additional partner’s loss of libido, but this also may do an injustice to the partner who is being influenced by the current stereotype of “fantastic sex”. Consider two common examples:
A loving man believes that to be a excellent lover, his partner should have orgasm on every sexual encounter, despite the fact that she tells him she regularly enjoys sex more lacking trying so hard to come (ie she has no control over what happens during sex); over time, sex becomes more stressful and she starts to avoid it. Sexual frequency could increase if he accepted that it would be simpler for her to say yes to sex more regularly if she had the confidence that sex would be more appropriate for her needs.
A woman urges her male partner to try harder to last longer, even though his intra vaginal ejaculatory latency time is around 4-5 minutes. This is a normal latency time and may well be the best he can do; as above, sex becomes so stressful that he prefers to avoid partnered sex and satisfy his sexual needs with masturbation. If the woman was more aware of normal sexual functioning, and more prepared to erect their sex life around what he can do, their sexual frequency could increase.
Schnarch’s mantra is particularly unfair in the following example:
The privileged drive partner wants/expects sex at least daily; the lower drive partner’s preferred sexual frequency is once a week but is willing to have sex 3-4 times a week. Who is driving the sexual pace here? Surely the privileged drive partner is controlling sexual frequency as much as the lower drive partner? The lower drive partner has no control over how regularly the privileged drive partner tries to initiate sex, so to not be controlling her/himself, should she or he say yes every time?
Further adding to the impression that Schnarch’s sympathies really lie with the privileged drive partner is the chapter title “The Low Desire Partner Usually Controls the High Desire Partner’s Adequacy”. He then tries to present a more balanced picture in the chapter, so why not use a title like “Each Partner Influences the Feelings of Adequacy of the Additional”?
There are many additional examples where, for me, this book is off the mark, and while I find some aspects of his book very useful, I would be cautious about recommending it.
Reader’s Rating: 2 / 5
While Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage” was an intriguing book, and gave much room for thought, I struggled with it, and I’m no weirder to psychology-type texts. Intimacy & Desire is MUCH clearer, and more useful to a lay person trying to know and work with marriage as a “people growing” machine. His “Four Points of Balance” in this book is brilliant…gives you specifics to ponder and help go yourself along. Having read this book, I will go back and re-read “Passionate Marriage” (again). Highly recommend for couples who want to go deeper and (re)invigorate their marriages.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
I establish my relationship falling apart after 8 years together with my spouse. After reading Intamcy and Desire, I establish that many of the problems that I thought were my partners were things that both of us needed more insight into and that they were problems set up to reoccur throughout our lifetime if not addressed.This book is a lifesaver for the intelligent mind.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5