Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don’t Work

5 Responses to “Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don’t Work”

1. Newmamma2708 says:

   June 13, 2010 at 10:37 pm

   While I have only read part way into the book thus far, I can already say that it is WONDERFUL! Schafer makes the book appealing and not the normal blah blah blah of self-help type books. She delivers the information in a clear and concise manner. Not only does she give you the tools to admit why your child is ‘mis’behaving, but she gives you tactics in which to deal with ‘mis’behavior. This book gives you a whole new perspective on not only your children’s behaviors, but of YOURS too. I will be purchasing Schafer’s additional book as well. I anticipate it will be just as insightful as this book.
   Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
2. Regina Lintelman says:

   June 13, 2010 at 11:53 pm

   Taking a positive approach to parenting and encouraging my children (as opposed to a focus on punishing misbehavior) is really helping our family tree. The thoughts in this book are what I’ve permanently intuitively believed and felt are right ways to parent. Over the years, negativity and damper seeped in and listening to some sources that promote punitive measures didn’t help. This book is helping us us to appreciate our children for who they are as they are and that’s a much more pleased way of life! I keep this book on my nightstand and highly recommend it!
   Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
3. Al Verbenko says:

   June 14, 2010 at 12:24 am

   I bought this book when my wife and I had become completely frustrated with what we perceived as rebellious and stubborn behavior in our 9-year-ancient son. We really thought that we had “wrecked” him in some way dispute all our friends constantly telling us what fantastic parents we are and what an incredible small boy we had.

   If the book taught me anything that stuck, it’s that my kid isn’t so terrible. I give him much more slack and try to be more diplomatic with him. As a result, my son is permanently smiling and singing and dancing around. He despises doing homework, but makes sure to get it all done before moving onto play time. He’s reliable and compassionate and smart.

   None of that, it turns out, is a result of reading this book. He’s been that all along. The book helped me to place in perspective our expectations of him. It taught me to respect his boundaries a bit more and reflect more diplomatically about how I take up him and clarify my expectations to him.

   I give it four stars because the book provided comfort to my wife and me when we were at our wits end. It didn’t change our lives though. It’s well written and simple to grasp. I just reflect the concepts in it are too much like a “hippy community” mentality that seems to lack real discipline.

   We as parents are our children’s guardians, confidants and mentors. It’s a huge responsibility. It helps to look at how to deal with all that from different perspectives so that you can get a better handle on your own parenting style.

   So even if the methods in it aren’t for you, this book is cheap enough and light enough to be worthy of the investment of time and money. Your kids won’t know you’ve read it, but they will likely benefit from your greater understanding.
   Reader’s Rating: 4 / 5
4. Brian says:

   June 14, 2010 at 2:59 am

   I read the book in 4 days two weeks ago, I haven’t yelled at the kids since. I am more relaxed and so are the kids. They are already behaving better and more respectfuly. Best of all, they seem more pleased too. This book is amusing and simple to read but the information is still open painstakingly and logically. A must buy for any parent who wants an simpler and more respectful approach to living with their kids.
   Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
5. djammin says:

   June 14, 2010 at 3:09 am

   UPDATE: Been using the techniques in this book for about a year now. My son is 4.5 and really hard limits. Everytime we’re stuck in a power struggle, or he’s just acting cranky or becomes tearful, frustrated, or oppositional for reasons I can’t know, I go back to this book and reassess what’s going on. Then try again. The strategies work. 9 times out of 10. The only child development/ parenting book I refer to regularly.

   Clear, logical, effective. Simple to read. Well laid out. No kidding. This is a book you’ll go back to over and over again. I had no thought how freeing it would be to focus on the interactions in our family tree and step back from defining and know my son (as a “spirited” kid etc etc) until I opened Alyson Schafer’s book and read through the introduction.

   I’ve got advanced degrees and have worked in education, including special education for years. And I’ve trained additional teachers and professionals who work with kids with language development problems, including autistic and kids with severe behavior problems. I’m very familiar with all sorts of behavioral approaches, tokens, charts, reinforcement schedules, behavior plans, etc etc etc. But in my gut I’ve never been 100% comfortable with these approaches because I knew their effect is limited. They only deal with the surface. In fact, I don’t use stickers or additional sorts of reward systems or charts at home (although I tried them with potty training, to no aim when the novelty wore off). Real change in behavior goes much deeper. It really does come from within the individual. It’s based on a sense of satisfaction that comes from warm, respectful relationships with others and a sense of pride and capability in oneself. Even when I used these reward systems at work, I knew what most kids were after was my praise and what they mostly wanted was time with me or another adult who was really interested in them. (Lunch at McDonalds was the prize kids most regularly wanted to earn.)

   I bought this book about a week ago while looking for more thoughts (NOT just all-purpose principles!) for effective with my spirited, intense 3-year ancient son. I realized that I (and my spouse) had already fallen into some power struggles with him. Nothing huge. But nothing I wanted to continue either. I was looking for real PRACTICAL how-to- advice beyond what I establish in Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s brilliant “Raising your Spirited Child” and all the recent books on raising boys like Michael Thompson’s “It’s A Boy: Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18.” And I’ve felt that marks like “hard” and “strong-willed” also only go so far (even when these terms are turned around and understood–very helpfully and clearly– in a positive light, e.g., as “spirited). Don’t get me incorrect. Kurcinka’s work is invaluable, and so is Thompson’s and all the additional work on this topic of raising boys (and appreciating ’spirit’). Much needed information here! In fact, the work on gender and developmental differences, along with Kurcinka’s approaches on temperament, should be be much, much more part of efforts to educate teachers as well as parents than it now is. So all of this work has helped, But NONE of these books have dealt in fantastic detail with the family tree interactions as a whole. “Honey I wrecked the Kids” does!

   Schafer’s techniques are based on approaches to the family tree developed by Alfred Adler. One of the pleasant surprises of this approach is how non-judgmental, respectful, and logical it is toward everyone in your household. And how simple to use. (Although it does mean that you have to be honest with yourself about things like whether you really ARE following a routine consistently.) The additional night my son did his “run away” from us business. Which he does when he does not want to do something (like get into bed, pick up his toys). So as a replacement for of doing”helping” him come back, or doing “hand-over-hand” approaches–pick the pillow back up off the floor!– I just sat down next to him and said “Sweetie, you know its bedtime. We permanently go to bed now. Mommy or Daddy can pick you up or take you to bed. But I’d really like it if you got into bed by yourself. Can you help us?” It worked. And he stayed in bed. Look, I know this sounds cheesy to some people. And that some folks will reflect that such approaches mean parents are being “permissive” or not exercising the proper power, setting limits, or falling into the trap of being a “friend as a replacement for of a parent” (concerns that Schafer effectively puts to rest in her introduction). But really, you lose nothing as parent here, except maybe all the energy you were using to mark or define or know the kid (which is a relief in its own right). And you, and your family tree, gain a whole lot. Like a sense of peace, order, and warmth. And fun. As far as I’m concerned, this is what discipline in its truest sense looks like.
   Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5