Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
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Product Description
The bestselling guide to transforming an intimate relationship into a lasting source of like and companionship., with a new foreword and chapter from the leader
In Getting the Like You Want, Dr. Harville Hendrix presents the relationship skills that have already helped hundreds of thousands of couples to replace confrontation and criticism with a healing process of mutual growth and support. This extraordinary practical guide describes the revolutionary technique of Imago Relationship Therapy, which combines a number of disciplines–including the behavioral sciences, depth psychology, cognitive therapy, and Gestalt therapy, among others– to make a program to resolve conflict and renew communication and passion.
Getting the Like You Want describes the three stages of intimate relationships, provides illustrative case studies and gives helpful recommendations to overcome the obstacles in persons stages to make a stronger bond between couples. First, he chronicles the stages of most relationships-attraction, romantic like and the power struggle-and suggests ways for partners to identify the conflicts linked with each of them. Then, he explores methods for achieving a “Conscious Marriage,” where the early phases of romance are rekindled and confrontation is slowly replaced by growth and support. Finally, Dr. Hendrix incorporates these thoughts into a unique therapeutic course, offering a series of proven exercises that lead to insight, resolution and revitalization. Step by step, he describes how to communicate with greater accuracy and sensitivity, how to let go of self-defeating behaviors, and how to focus energy on meeting each partners’ needs.
With Getting the Like You Want couples in any stage of a relationship can resolve their conflicts and achieve mutual emotional satisfaction.
Amazon.com Review
When Harville Hendrix writes about relationships, he discusses them not just as an educator and a therapist, but as a man who has himself been through a failed marriage. Hendrix felt the sting of his divorce intensely because he believed it signaled not only his failure as a spouse but also his failure as a couples counselor. Investigating why his marriage dissolved led him to start looking into the psychology of like. Marriage, he ultimately learned, is the “practice of apt passionate friends.”
As a result of his research, Hendrix made a therapy he calls Imago Relationship Therapy. In it, he combines what he’s learned in a number of disciplines, including the behavioral sciences, depth psychology, cognitive therapy, and Gestalt therapy, to name just a few. He expounds upon this approach in Getting the Like You Want: A Guide for Couples. His purpose in writing the book, he says, is “to share with you what I have learned about the psychology of like relationships, and to help you transform your relationship into a lasting source of like and companionship.”
Divided into three sections, the book covers “The Unconscious Marriage,” which details a marriage in which the remaining desires and behavior of childhood interfere with the current relationship; “The Conscious Marriage,” which shows a marriage that fulfils persons childhood needs in a positive manner; and a 10-week “course in relationship therapy, ” which gives detailed exercises for you and your partner to follow in order to learn how to “replace confrontation and criticism … with a healing process of mutual growth and support.” The text is occasionally dry and technical; but, the information provided is valuable, the case studies are appealing, and the exercises are revealing and helpful. By utilizing his program, Hendrix hopes you too will be able to solve your marital difficulties lacking the expense of a therapist. –Jenny Brown
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This self help book ignores the truth of like and makes like out to be something that people are capable of doing. No one can like and satisfy anyone lacking knowing that like comes from God. I suggest you read the Bible and skip this mess.
Reader’s Rating: 1 / 5
i felt it was very demening i read the first few chapters and got very upset i would not recomend it at all
Reader’s Rating: 1 / 5
Lafia was my first like she knows everything about me.I question her once to marrie me but she say that she want to end college first.Iam so into her.Well I could wait tha long if I very into her.She everything that I wanted in my life.We both permanently talk about our feature all the time.I hope it turn out right,cause I like her alot. She permanently reflect that I have a name in my mine. just want to tell everyone that I like her very much. Permanently C.V.H
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
In this study by Dr. Hendrix, his hypothesis was that people marry their opposites, one example was the account of Lynn and Peter. I beg to differ as I have in my years seen many married couples who are so much alike you would reflect they were brother and sister. We are permanently thinking that there is something better out there. And we search until we find it, or die trying.
There is no greater happiness than the days of romantic like between a man and his girl. The first few months or years of a relationship when we are filled with the tasty expectation of wish-fulfillment. Life has meaning again in a positive, exciting, fun way. It had substance in the form of a person we adored who shared mutual feelings. The excellent feelings radiated outward; they felt more loving and long-suffering of absolutely everyone. They saw the world fresh and natural (no artificial facade) as they had as children. They shared moments of ectasy, not only sexually. They see all things in a groundbreaking new way.
People in like are high on natural hormones and chemicals which flood their bodies with a sense of well-being. Dopamine causes a rosy outlook on life, hightened perception. Endorphins are natural narcotics and enhance a person’s sense of security and comfort. Seratonin makes a feeling of oneness. The universal language of like is the creation of the unconscious mind. “I know we’ve just met, but somehow I feel I already know you;” “I can’t remember when I didn’t know you.” “When I’m with you, I no longer feel alone;” I feel whole, perfect (felt fulfilled).” There is a feeling of oneness, a sense of ‘deja vu,’ a feeling of familiarity. “I can’t live lacking you.” They feel that they have finally establish a name to take care of them, and security.
When we find the person we choose to marry, we transfer our need for protection from parents to our ‘dearly loved’ one (who sometimes, but not permanently, turns out to be our soul mates), who awakened our “eros” senses to save us from “thantos,” the ever-present dread of death. For a while, lovers cling to the illusion of romantic like and that’s the fun part. But it doesn’t last, and things at home become a drudgery as a replacement for of a haven. That’s when we start looking at and for others. Our right soul mates may come along later in life, and it hits you like a ton of bricks. That doesn’t mean you have to marry that person. You can like many in your lifetime, permanently in a different way, but just as intense as your first like.
The majority do not marry their first likes for one reason or another. When I see photos in the paper of couples who’ve been together fifty or sixty years, I reflect “how sad.” They just don’t know what they’ve missed. For some odd reason, they look gloomy — hardly ever pleased. Like loses its luster pretty quickly when disagreements and opinion continue over the years and intensify. Why stay together for the sake of the children? I learned the hard way that they pick up nuances and know when their parents no longer like or need each additional, and they become the injured victims.
Back when the song, ‘Torn Between Two Lovers,’ was well loved, I was in that predictament and wondered how things would end. Then, later the song ‘You’re Having My Baby’ happened to me, too; “Mandy” became well loved at the same time and I was going to name my like child Miranda (everyone else chose Amanda) and call her Mandy. He became Justin, but now one of his daughters is named Miranda, looks just like him. Our small mistakes affect the way the rest of our lives will play out. Some turn bitter, but for most it is a blessing as it lets us out of a miserable lifestyle.
You can fall in like when you’re older, but it’s not the same as young like (title of another Fifties song). It is a deeper bonding and does not have to occupy sex. For me, like has permanently been about emotions. Men don’t know that difference; that some of us like them as an individual who can be our “soul and inspiration,” a Righteous Bros. song.
William Congreve wrote “Heaven has no rage like like to despise turned, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorned.” Once in a lifetime, a mis-understanding can turn into a hard situation but, with God’s help, things can be turned around and, eventually, despise turns into like again. It takes a very special person to be able to forgive the additional’s shortcomings and over-reactions to a minor occurrence. You don’t have to be a saint to give the person who hurt you another chance. It’s human to act terrible at times when tensions mount.
Repressed rage is worse than the explosive kind. After the problem is brought to light, you can work together to overcome obstacles — if the relationship (you truly like and admire him) is worth saving. Sometimes you have to work hard to get on an even keel again and be able to trust and be open to discussions of what you did incorrect. Mainly, we must be on the alert not to do it again. We all make mistakes, but their purpose is to learn from them. All is honest in like and war, although the passion you’re feeling for an unrequited like might not feel just. Embracing your passionate scenery is a excellent thing, but don’t lose yourself in your emotions right now. It’s time to wake up from daydreams and value yourself enough to face reality. If a name doesn’t value you as much as you value him or her, don’t waste any more energy on the relationship. Get things back to being equal — it’s the only way you can find balance.
Growing up lacking a mother, I’ve permanently thought more like a man since I was constantly around them all my life. Problem is, I also had the feelings and emotions of a woman. “I have the right to be mad” never gets you anywhere. We tend to hide intense feelings like sadness, dread, rage — we hide behind a mask. Some of us just can’t learn to behave and end up building the same mistakes over and over. None of us are perfect, or we would be God.
Reader’s Rating: 3 / 5
Recommended by a counselor. Book stunk, so did counselor. Predictable tome of the gender, an advertisement for his institute perfect with case histories and mumbo giant. Lots of insight into imago and not a clue as to what like is and isn’t.
Predictable of the book. Exercise 8 He has the participant to draw a rectangle in which the four corners represent catastrophic exits, ie suicide, divorce, murder and insanity.
He says ” …if you are comtemplating leaving the relationship through any of these four confront exits… I urge you to make a choice now to close them for the period of time that you are effective together on these exercises.”
Gee Mr. Ph.D I didn’t know so many people had the option of selecting a time to go insane! Not to mention that the statement gives tacit praise of suicide or murder as an option after the exercise is perfect.
The book is full of such babble. Not worth the paper its printed on.
Reader’s Rating: 1 / 5