Bite Me: A Love Story
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Product Description
The city of San Francisco is being stalked by a huge shaved vampyre cat named Chet, and only I, Abby Normal, urgent situation backup mistress of the Greater Bay Area night, and my manga-haired like monkey, Foo Dog, stand between the ravenous monster and a bloody massacre of the all-purpose public.
Whoa. And this is a like tale? Yup. ‘Cept there’s no whining. See, while some lovers were born to run, Jody and Tommy were born to bite. Well, reborn, that is, now that they’re vampires. Excellent thing theirs is an undying like, since their Goth Girl Friday, Abby Normal, imprisoned them in a bronze statue.
Abby wants to be a bloodsucking fiend, too, but right now she’s really busy with additional stuff, like breaking in a pair of red vinyl thigh-high Skankenstein® platform boots and wrangling her Ph.D.-candidate boyfriend, Steve (the like monkey). And then there’s that vampire cat Chet, who’s getting larger and smarter—and thirstier—by the minute. Abby thought she and Steve could handle the fund cat on their own, mais non . . .
Before you can say “OMG! WTF?” Tommy and Jody are sprung from captivity, and join forces with Abby, Steve, the frozen-turkey-bowling Safeway crew, the Emperor of San Francisco and his trusty dogs Lazarus and Bummer, Abby’s gay Goth friend Jared, and SF’s finest Cavuto and Rivera to hunt huge cat and save the city. And that’s when the fun really starts.
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I guess I could summarize this book as a fun but tiring read. There are some books that you just cannot place down, you have to read them from beginning to end. This is not one of persons books. The whole storyline is rather juvenile and so is the humor. I had come to expect more out of Moore. But regularly the writing is just more brassy vs. clever or amusing. On the up side it does have some excellent parts poking fun at the way overdone vampire genre.
Reader’s Rating: 3 / 5
When we last saw our heroine, Abby Normal, Goth girl sidekick to a couple of vampires, she had bronzed them. And now she and her like monkey are all that stand between San Francisco and a giant shaved vampire cat. Really, a lot of vampire cats. She must also battle her mother unit, who has no sympathy with Abby’s desire to become Nosferatu. Poor kid. It’s tough being a teenage urgent situation back-up mistress of the greater Bay Area night!
Predictable Christopher Moore bizarre humor. (And it’s not necessary to have read the preceding two books, Bloodsucking Fiends: A Like Tale and You Suck, to delight in this one.)
Reader’s Rating: 3 / 5
Look, I like Christopher Moore’s work. I have nearly every book he has written as autographed first printings. I generally find him witty, insightful and hilarious.I like his use of continuity and my two favourite books by him are easily Practical Demonkeeping and A Dirty Job: A Novel. I’ve permanently establish his vampire books to be his weakest writing with You Suck: A Like Tale being his worst. Until now. Bite Me lacked a lot of Moore’s usual comedy genius and in truth, it was a book that really didn’t need to be written considering how You Suck finished. Still, it’s here and after reading the third (and hopefully final) book in the “Bloodsucking Fiends” trilogy, I really hope it’s the last. There were snippets of Moore’s brillance but the truth is the book feel slike it was written for the sake of be written than any real passion or care being place into it.
The thing that annoyed me most is we had 300+ pages of a book that ends in nearly the same way the second book finished – with C. Thomas Flood (who has lost his leader-esque fake C) and Jody realizing that they want different things in life…er, death…er, undeath. Whatever. This whole book felt padded, drawn out and in search of a real plot only to come back to what the same plot resolution as You Suck. Sure there are a few differences, like some characters dead and some romantic entanglements ending while others start, but for the most part the book was pretty unnecessary and there really was small to no character to developement at all. It was just dredging up ancient characters and letting them have crazy hijinx for no real reason.
Second, the writing was by far Moore’s worst. Usually I laugh nonstop at his books and also marvel at how well written the plot and characters are. Not here. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, there is no character development. There are only brief glimmers of comedy gold, but for the most part, and I despise to admit it, I was bored throughout the entire novel. I was waiting for something appealing or amusing to take place and it never did.
Third, there was just a lot of stupid stuff going on. Abby Normal somehow graduated from unlikeable in You Suck to the most annoying character I’ve had to read in a long time. Any chapter she narrated was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Then there was the plot of vampire cats with the lead cat, who was perfectly normal in his last vampire outing, starts turning into a half-man, half-cat vampire and another character later becomes part rat. If it was supposed to be amusing or even appealing, it failed miserably. It’s also an example of a rare lapse in Moore’s usual continuity. The main vampire cat was shaved bald before apt a vampire, yet when it was turned into a member of the undead, it stayed bald. Yet if a human is turned into a vampire, they lose any hair dye, tatoos, breast implants or anything else that isn’t natural, and their hair goes back to normal. Yet this didn’t take place for the cat, even as it becomes part human. This was a minor annoyance, but it’s a fantastic example of how poorly this book was written and place together compared to everything else Moore writes.
There is no way I can recommend this book to anyone who hasn’t read the first two books in the series first and even then I would advise them it’s Moore worst novel yet so perhaps they should try something else like The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror or Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings (Today Show Book Club #25) before alternative this up.
Now I’ve bashed this book pretty hard and by Moore standards, this is indeed his worst book yet, but it’s still a decent “thumbs in the middle” read compared to a lot of additional fiction I’ve slogged through. Characters are consistent with their previous renditions and I’m permanently pleased to see Rivera, who even as a mid-carder, shows up in more of Moore’s books than anyone else. I also liked the nods to A Dirty Job and additional bits by Moore, showing how contained this universe is. It’s not an dreadful book, just one that pales when compared to the additional books Moore has written. It’s forgettable and at times dull, but it does have its moments.
Reader’s Rating: 3 / 5
I grabbed this as an advanced reader copy because I like Christopher Moore, and usually his sense of humor and appreciation for the absurd and macabre is pretty entertaining. But, this book is the third in a series which I have not yet read, and so after getting a few pages in, I realized that I was probably wasting my time.
Thus I submit this non-review review, not as a review of the book, but as a review of Christopher Moore’s work in all-purpose. Once I read the others in this series (should I ever get around to it) I shall return to write a more comprehensive review of this particular book.
For now, let me just say that Moore’s work is that rare combination of dark humor and fantasy/horror that is so regularly handled poorly by additional, lesser authors. Moore permanently seems to be note-perfect with his blend of the amusing and the grim. His characters never have that “mary sue” quality that additional authors tend to slot in into humor/horror or humor/fantasy. Moore stands back and lets his characters be themselves, flaws and all. In fact, it’s their flaws that make Moore’s character so much more appealing than the oft-perfect characters in additional authors’ books.
Moore’s writing flows, too. His books are quick-paced, and he doesn’t go the direction of authors like Anne Rice, who overburden you with fine details in every scene. He tells you what you need to know about the action at hand, and doesn’t really pound a lot of silly, made-up history or his personal mythology into you. There’s nothing incorrect with a small background, of course, and he does it well; But he doesn’t over-do it.
If you’re new to Christopher Moore, then I’d suggest this isn’t the book for you merely because it is the third part of a series. You’d be better served alternative up “A Dirty Job”, which stands alone as a fantastic book to get you into Moore’s style.
I’m giving the book five stars for potential, and will likely edit that rating some day. From what I did read of this book, it’s more of Moore as I like him, and that’s excellent.
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5
Being the Review Fallen From the Languid and Morose Fingertips of One Who Would Really Be the Like Monkey and Blood Slave for Countess Abigail von Normal, Back-Up Mistress of the Greater Bay Area Night.
‘Kayso, I’m looking through my e-mail, and it’s all like “Viagra . . . Nigerian Banker . . . Help me, because I’m such a worthless loser I need you to friend me on Facebook (which I would never have gone on, except it’s such a handy way to keep my minions and worshippers up on my comings and goings. Plus I like Farmville.) . . . Write your mom back, already,” and I’m all, “Oh, whateverz — delete, delete, delete, ULTRAdelete,” and then I saw it. Amazon Vine Newsletter. Well, perhaps there will be something in here that will fight off my enervating ennui, my soul-crushing Weltschmerz. Plus I get to read free books. (That’s right — chew on that envy, losers!)
So I open it up, and look at the books listed there. Yeah okay: lame, lamer, perfect lameness, so lame it should be in the Special Olympics, lame duck with a loser viniagrette and a side of sucka pilaf . . . Oh, this will be no help at all, and I will be forced to cut my wrists and my throat, and maybe stab myself in the heart, just a small bit so there will be but the tiniest spot of red on my cunningly arranged corpse, and persons who find me and weep for the sorrow that will encompass the world (or at least encompass my dog) at my loss will know that I died of a broken heart. But then I saw the last book on the list.
Bite Me: A Like Tale. By Christopher Moore. I swear I threw up in my mouth with excitement. Just a tiny bit, but I still had to down the rest of my latte-and-bitter-wormwood to wash out the taste. (Okay, it was cinnamon, but they just keep ignoring my suggestion cards at Starbucks, even when I wrote, “You should really start putting out bitter wormwood on the sugar-and-cream table. You’d get every caffeine-addicted Goth within a hundred miles coming here, and you could snap your fingers under the noses of all the additional Starbucks managers at the next Starbucks Manager convention and be all like, ‘OWNED, you wheezy java-pimps!’ Signed, The Starbucks CEO (I just stopped in to check your store out and make a suggestion. Nice place. I’m telling you: bitter wormwood.)” I guess nobody would ever judge the Starbucks CEO would use a suggestion card, even though I really wrote it in rich-ancient-guy handwriting. Anyway.) Then, after a moment of reverent silence, I clicked “Send Me This Book.”
Then I had to wait forever. Like at least a week. I know, unbelievable, right? Amazon should really send books by magic Jetsons transport tube, or maybe by owl, so that you can click that button, get up and walk to your window, and there’s your book waiting for you. Maybe with a nice container of hot chocolate and a cookie. Amazon should get on that now.
Anyway, I read the book with bated breath (And if you reflect it’s simple to keep your breath bated all the way through a 300 page book, you’ve never driven past a farm just after the manure manner of language), and with tears of joy squeezing from the corners of my eyes to stain my silk reading jacket with small blots of reading bliss, which went nicely with the coffee stains. And once it was finished, and I had spent a respectable amount of time in a worshipful and awestruck silence, appreciating the craftsmanship of Le Master Scribe Christopher Moore, I chose to come on here and basically dry-hump his prose until I made a bastard mutant spawn version of my own. And I realize now that writing like this is WAY harder than you would ever reflect, and I can’t do it a thousandth as excellent as Moore can, so I should probably just shut up and let him do the amusing stuff.
And I also realize I’ve gone on way too long lacking adage anything real about the book, so I’ll just say this: if you have read “Bloodsucking Fiends” and “You Suck,” you have GOT to read this one, because it’s even better than persons two place together with a triple mocha and a fresh biscotti. All the same characters are here: Tommy and Jody, the Emperor of San Francisco and his men Bummer and Lazarus, the Animals (with Troy Lee’s gangsta grandma), and of course, the unique Abby Normal, who acts as the narrator for much (but not all) of the book. The tale is just as quick and surprising and unexpected, the writing is just as hilarious and simple to read, and the ending is by far the best of the three books.
And if you haven’t read Bloodsucking Fiends and You Suck, then what in the name of all that’s unholy and profane are you waiting for? Go get them now! Maybe by the time you get around to clicking the button, Amazon will have that owl-and-hot-chocolate thing ready to go. But even if they don’t, you should read persons books, and then this one. Because they will rock your stripy socks.
kthxbye!
Reader’s Rating: 5 / 5